Desire is a never-ending black hole...  yet most people keep filling it in hopes that it can be filled someday.

When will we see that it's all an just an illusion?

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Life is so utterly beautiful and ugly.  Life is just life.  Life is really just the way it is.

It's those who live in Universal Intelligence that find peace and bliss within, that radiate from inside outside, instead of outside in.

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It's year 2009 .  This is going to be another great year, the same and different year

I just got back from SF & I have a neuroanatomy lab final tomorrow.

I am not sure why I am here typing (instead of stuyding my heart out).  The truth is, I spend over an hour looking for the neuroanatomy lab review DVD (going through boxes and piles of papers) and now I just feel dead exhausted.  (and FINALLY I have found it "hiding" right on top of my book shelf...)

My room is now a mess.  I feel mentally and physically exhausted.  I need a couple minutes to release my frustration (hence here at Xanga).  I will brush my teeth and go to sleep now... and wake up early tomorrow to study.

This is not the first time, and won't be the last time.  All I can do is... striving for it to occur less and less times... until (hopefully) it will be almost non-existent.

I am so sick and tired of my own procrastination and disorganization.

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but on the brighter side, the SF trip was really really great.  I got to meet with many old friends and my cousin; I had/gave quite a few big tight hugs, visited some new and old places, enjoyed some delicious food along with great conversations.  It's always nice to catch up with old friends.    Moreover, this trip is a bit "transformational" for me... It's almost as if I have a glimpse of my own past, seeing it with a new sense of understanding and appreciation.

Then I realized... I was never that far from happiness.  I had a lot, and still do... the difference is, I went through a lot of up's and down's back then, and now for the most part my life (and my emotions) just seem to be quite stable.

I sure had some of the best times of my life (probably along with some of the worst, too).  But happiness has always been here/there (or just right around the corner... ).

Thank for all my family and friends for being in my life...  Thank you for all the love and warmth you've given me.

Now time to sleep and study hard for tomorrow!!!

I have been in a crazy buying spree for the past couple days... and it all started with the urge to buy a new laptop.  (actually, it started off with buying x'mas gifts for friends).  Before I know, one thing after another... I sort of lost tract about what I have bought... and it has taken me forever in deciding for "what my heart desires" (in whatever I want to buy).

I think I really need to call it a stop now (though the shopping list really doesn't seem to be complete yet...)

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There is someone who makes me think that none of my past really matters anymore.

Then there comes another one who reminds me of my past, what I was like back in the old days...

I feel a bit lost in between the old and the new self... and I can't quite make sense what has happened, how I have changed, where I am really heading to...

I lack the courage to let go what I am familiar/comfortable with, but part of me yearns for the change.  I have grown to be so comfortable with what I have now.  Life really feels pretty darn good at this moment.  But is this all just an illusion?

Perhaps there is no real answer, perhaps we can never understand the ultimate truth; we are given with certain knowledge and confined within certain limitations (time, space, resources, etc).  While the possibilities are still endless, life will ultimately end one day.

Willingly or not, consciously or not, we are making choices at every given second.  Even when we refuse to make a choice, we have already done so (by choosing not to choose).  Sadly to say, when we refuse to make the choice, we hand the choice over to other people.

Though we must all know even when we've made our choices, it doesn't mean the things will turn out the way we want them to be.  We can merely try to make as many conscious choices as possible at every given moment, and let Universal Intelligence take over the rest...  and we all need to learn when it's time to keep fighting and when it's time time to let go; to accept what we have under any circumstance, whether we want it or not, like it or not.

We can merely do what we can given our conscious efforts, then hand over the rest.  To be humble, for that we can never fully understand our own existences; to be grateful, for that we cannot get to where we are now without other people's help.

We must not forget about our past, and yet learn to look ahead...

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I am still feeling a bit overwhelmed by my shopping spree lately... I really haven't cleared out my head as to what/why the heck I am doing with all the recent shopping... though to be honest, I am really looking forwards to the arrival of all the stuff I have ordered, in particular my laptop.  I've decided to get Asus EEE 1000HD (with Intel Atom N270 1.6GHz instead of 900 MHz Intel Celeron M353 Processor).  I really just want to get over all the shopping (and cross off all the stuff on my "to-do-list").  I want to start writing!!!  I really would like to take my new baby and start writing more!!  (instead of spending all the time researching for all the stuff I want to buy)

Oh by the way, I made paella (arroz negro) today with Cookie.  It was my first time cooking paella.  Though still a lot of room for improvement, I think it actually turned out pretty well.  =D  I'd like to experiment it with different type of rice next time (I used Bombo rice this time). 

Thanksgiving is coming soon!  Hope everyone is getting ready for a nice holiday~~~